So...here I am, literally 2 years after crafting my first blog post. It is quite interesting that on this "anniversary"- I am at the end of this particular journey. I have found myself using the word "limbo" many, many times over the last month. I would say that almost in every aspect of my life right now, I am in limbo. Coincidentally enough, someone asked me this weekend, about the title of this blog site. What did I have in mind when I created "Leading In Limbo"?
At the time, I felt that I was in a very unique situation in that I was straddling between two worlds in my TOSA role. I was not an admin, but played in the admin world and although I was a teacher, I was not fully immersed in that world either. I was able to see what was on both sides of the fence and I had no idea back then, all that I would learn. I wanted to lead...I thought I could lead...I am now unsure of it all. What I am sure of is that I have learned...in limbo. I have grown...in limbo. I am better, for being...in limbo. But it isn't comfy.
"Being in limbo is not comfortable- but being in comfort is not where we grow."
One thing that I am walking away with is the idea that no matter what you believe to be true, if others do not, there will be struggle. Struggle causes limbo. I believe that we are all leaders in our own right and it took me a really long time to get there, and a very short time to lose it. My goal is to find my way back. When one is told with words and shown by actions that this is untrue - you believe it. You try hard to not. You try hard to "walk your why". You try hard to keep pushing and fighting and speaking up for what you believe is right...but at some point, you have a switch flip and you just retreat.
So here I am, questioning if any of what I have written or done in the last four years, has made any impact. I am questioning if I have in fact been able to lead at all or if I have just been flaying here in limbo.
I often talk about taking risks, just leaping, being comfy with the uncomfy, failing forward, plot twists and the adventure of the journey. Well - I also talk a lot about "walking the talk" and I'm not going to lie, right now that all seems very difficult. Recently, an unexpected rock has been thrown in my spokes and it has left me on uneasy ground. I don't think I can even say that I have reached a fork in the road or even that I am at a crossroads. The only thing I can compare it to is an unforeseen bend in the road with no idea where it is taking me, and I must proceed with caution. BUT, I will proceed.
On a recent hike, my friend and I came to a fork in the path. I asked him which way we should go - to which he replied "You always need to know what is coming next, and where you are going, don't you?" This actually did stop me in my tracks, because that didn't sound like me, but that was what he observed from knowing me. He must be right. Hmm... After I thought for a minute, I responded with "I don't know if that is as true as the fact that I just need to know I am going "somewhere". The how nor the what, doesn't matter as much, I just need to know there is a destination."
Here's the thing. What I know to be true, is that I WILL be ok. I WILL land on my feet. But it's the whole, "walking on a tight rope", living in limbo that has me spinning. I don't need to feel sure, I just need to feel safe. Right now, the future is blurry and walking into the blur feels unsafe.
So for now, I just try to take one step at a time, and learn and grow from each step. I am trying to find the bright spots through the blur. I am trying to learn to lean on others and am very blessed that I have those others to lean on. This is really hard for me. I thank all of those who have been wonderful enough to support me, walk alongside me and stay with me through this time. I appreciate your patience and apologize for not being my normal me, but I will get back there. I will.
Mother, teacher, TOSA, GCE Level 1 & 2, Encourager of others.
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